Convolutions Toward Adulthood

Burlington Free Press columnist Steve Lemcke debuts a new column right here, exclusively for Good Citizen, and it's called Convolutions Toward Adulthood. Every issue Steve will dwell on something and in Episode One: Paranoia, he reveals the Burlington music conspiracy that you've suspected all along. Steve risks his own life to reveal the underground local music syndicate called The Order. Read at your own risk.

If you are reading this then they have gotten to me. Hopefully this last effort may absolve me of the dark life I have been living and I may find redemption.

I can't live with the guilt any longer. I have to come clean. 

Here's a transcript of a secret meeting taped three months ago someplace in the greater Burlington area. I have brought this tape forward so that the real truth may be finally revealed. I have identified the voices for you so that you may understand to what depths this conspiracy has gone to. My own voice is to be found on the tape as well. I tell the reader this so that he/she may know that the things I say were said under duress and out of fear for my life. You don't know these people!!!!

Please read:

(Strikes of a gavel) 

Andrew Smith: Ladies and gentlemen of The Order. This secret meeting will now come to order.

Our control of the local music scene is almost complete. Our front at Good Citizen has been the perfect thing to fool the dullards in this town. Our plan has been going smoothly. Careful coordination between our various groups and personnel has left no detection by the public possible. You have covered your tracks well. The fools still believe they have free will and can actually choose which music they want to hear. Our grip on the local scene is almost iron tight thanks to you all.

Reports. Agent Lemcke, what do you have to report for this quarter?

Steve Lemcke: All indications point to the desired result in the Ultimate Plan laid out years ago by The 10th Venerable Overlord of Vermont Music, His Most Holy, Big Joe Burrell. In particular, as we discussed in our initial meeting, Andrew, nearly three years ago, as I quietly began my rise through The Order's ranks, the plan was to create a cartoonish foil against which local bands could rally their disdain of critics, a way to embolden them until such time as they could be easily absorbed into the collective Order.

My penchant for sarcasm has been used as a diversionary tactic to keep the little people from discovering The Order's Ultimate Plan. I have served my duty well and my lavish lifestyle shows The Order is truly generous for my effort. And the money I make from bribes for good reviews has doubled my income in the past year. 

I only have one personal concern. My 15 years of classical training in all the major genres of music throughout the world are going to waste with the mindless, inexpert drivel I am forced to write each week. Once the Ultimate Plan is achieved, I will be free to perform Bach once again, as I did in youth as a musical prodigy. When is The Final Strike?

Smith: Sooon. Verrry Soooooon. Hm Hm Hm Hm Hm. Anything else, maggot?

Lemcke: In general, things here at Sector G seem to be proceeding as scheduled. Bands not to be found on The Master List have made little headway into the local culture as per Order Directive #435. And boy have some tried!! It's like beating off mosquitoes. The way some of them think they have a chance at popularity in this town. Pathetic, really.

My timely and "honest" reports each week have seen to that.

(General laughter). 

Those bands who have not paid tribute to us and groveled like the miserable slime worms they are, have gone nowhere as planned. It's only those who have bowed down to The Order that have gotten gigs outside the state and at the premier venues locally, since we control all the clubs. No one gets on stage unless we say so and we also have final say on each month's calendar.

Record contract delivery to those loyal is on schedule. I'm still using my vast connections at the major labels and they can't wait for more bands as long as they have OUR seal of approval . . .  

The Order's control is almost complete . . .

Smith: Good to hear. Polston, how's are our forces at Seven Days?

Pamela Polston: Things are hunky dory over here. Always have been. Always will be. Our 'non-committal to openly-supportive' approach has made the propaganda wing of The Order a finely run ship. The fools don't question anything!!!!! Her Her Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Our readership has continued to grow as our level of support for local arts and music does. The people of this town are so easily duped into believing local culture has value of any kind . . . Right on schedule boss. 

Keep the propaganda machine fed and we will be there at your beck and call. The fools think we actually get paid for advertising. That the paper is a legitimate business!!! Little do they know it's all a front for The Great Cause. 

We have sworn supreme allegiance to The Order and we will not be deterred from our goal of Final Strike. Agent Severance?

Glenn Severance: Yes, oh great leader, what my direct superior has said is essentially correct. Although our research has more recently indicated that a more even-handed, less laudatory approach should lull readers into the notion that the writers at Propaganda are free agents. Not to worry. They'll still do what they're told. We pay them enough. 

That is why for the good of The Cause I will be taking over some of the duties of my colleague, Section Chief Polston. We see it as a change the public will erroneously see as a natural editorial decision to keep things fresh, but truly, by your orders, sire, it will give her more time to concern herself with Secret Black Ops. 

In a personal aside, I would like to say that although I am new at Propaganda, I will serve faithfully in all capacities. It is an honor to be serving The Order! 

When do I get a key to The Executive Washroom?

Lemcke: That takes time. First you must prove your loyalty to The Order, upstart!

Smith: Enough! Let's get on with this. We must focus on the good of The Order and The Great Cause at all times. No disagreements. On anything. You know the rules. Clary! Brody! Put the beer down and report, damnit!

Colin Clary: Sorry, sir. First of all, as a new member of The Order I would like to thank all the members for their support and for finally letting us sit at The Big Table. We are a small section of The Order, we know, but we mean well and work hard.

Smith: Enough groveling, elf boy. Report! 

Clary: The Good Cop/Bad Cop routine seems to be working well. Lt. Brody and I both believe that to play off each other is the best plan. Our report to you a few years ago was essentially correct and your insight and tutelage has been most helpful, Master. Bands that The Order deems fit . . . get more space. The fools believe that I actually like indie rock, when we all know all I want to do is start a polka band. But how long must I have to act this way?

(Sounds of sobbing) 

Smith: Stop your whining!!!! You know it is the will of The Order. You will be Sector Indie Prime for as long as I say . . . do you hear me?

Clary: Yes, Exalted Priest of The Order.

Smith: That's better. Continue. How're things on the label front?

Clary: Very good. All bands at Sudden Shame have proclaimed subservience to The Order. Most fell in line years ago in the Coup of '95. And those that refuse to supplicate are brutally refused all rights and privileges as written in the limestone tablets of old. Ostracized from ever working or creating in this town again. The Order is Ancient and must be maintained. They will supplicate or die!!!!

Smith: Brody! Wake up!

Brody: Sorry, sir, I was just catching a nap after playing a gig in NYC. You shoulda been there. We couldn't find the place and got drunk and we had van trouble . . . C'mon now!

Smith: Save it for your column! Report, worm!

Brody: As a deep cover spy, planted years ago in the hardcore scene, I can tell you that things are proceeding as planned. The fools just don't believe that they are under our control; slipping the mind-controlling drugs into the tattoo ink supply was a brilliant idea. It is the most amazing thing. No fight left in them. It's almost demoralizing. I thought they were a stronger enemy. Even your directive to make straightedge cool wasn't questioned! By fall next year, I guarantee, there won't be a hardcore band left in Burlington. 

The Order will not tolerate any behavior antithetical to its will. It won't be long until the entire youth culture is under The Order's control. Like lambs to the slaughter . . .

(general laughter)

Smith: Communications report! Lockridge!

Jim Lockridge: Big Heavy World is on line and my cover as cyber- entrepreneur is intact and functioning well. All functions for world wide web domination are nominal, but we are having a little trouble with the new plasma matrix conduits in the XJ9 mainframe. But my people should have those bugs worked out of the system in no time. 

Man, this new technology The Order has set us up with is five years ahead of what everyone else in the country has. Incredible. It's allowed us to double the intensity of our brainwave transmitter. We could have people drooling for whatever band we decide if we wanted to, but it is risky and the side effects are rather disgusting. In most cases of over-exposure, people feel the need to listen to the band [transmission garbled] repeatedly.

Our regular transmissions are proceeding with no difficulties. Audio. Video. Internet. We just hooked up to The Order's permanent satellite network. All phases of our operation are ship shape. And the neural neutralizers installed in the sound systems of all the major clubs in town are having some problems. The other night I noticed that people weren't totally ecstatic about a local band and that never happens . . .

The label sector of BHW is doing well in sales and I believe, I dunno, I'll have to check the figures again . . . yep . . . we have a 70 per cent probability of cornering the compilation market within two years time, give or take a quarter.

Smith: Excellent! Don't talk to me of risks, though. Just as long as it doesn't interfere with the next release of The Order's . . . I mean, Good Citizen's latest concept compilation album.

(smattering of laughter)

Lockridge: But Good Citizen and Big Heavy World . . . they're separate entities . . .

Smith: Of course they are . . . (general laughter)

Smith: Get Egan on the line . . . Egan?

Joe Egan: Yes Sir!

Smith: Do you have the tapes?

Egan: The tapes are ready for transport code route gamma charlie. My contacts at all the studios in the area report normal operations for selected musical targets. Each section head in all major genres reports directly to me. Rogue musicians and recording artists are rounded up and given their fair share of recording time and a steadier job for their servitude. Our restaurant and coffeehouse network, book stores and retail chains in the area are providing more part-time jobs, creating the illusion of poverty where poverty doesn't exist. We are meeting our standard music quota for the season but the summer doldrums are due to hit and we are definitely worried in the field.

From background: All Hail The Order!

Smith: What was that!?

Egan: Sorry, Oh Great Lightning Rod of Public Anxiety! A new local band is here at Eclipse Recording and they just learned they were on The Master List. They are grateful for the opportunity to finally record. Last year they tried and we weren't informed as to their status, so they were denied, of course. Not just any band can spend money and record a CD, after all. My new neural neutralizer has them reduced to Order Zombies. Most local musicians are.

Smith: Quite all right. The Order is beneficent to its loyal friends and merciless to its enemies. Keep that in mind when it comes time for payment, wretch. You would all still be recording jingles if The Order hadn't seen fit to give you work. I know local music has made you a rich man, Joe. You'll take what we give you, cur. (Click)

Smith: New business. In these envelopes you will find the names of four new bands. I want you all to memorize them and then destroy the document. Your signal code word is (garbled recording). A call will be placed to each of you. It's the normal drill . . . These are the names for Phase Five. We will be devoting a considerable amount of time to these people. I want us all to get on board this one, people. I want these bands to be local stars in six months. You are the ones who make that happen. It certainly isn't going to be the music, after all.

(Chuckles)

I don't need to tell you all what's at stake, folks. The preservation of The Order is and must be our only concern. We have the right people in place. Let's get to work. The Ultimate Plan is right on schedule . . . And keep in mind The Burlington Music Consolidation is set for the end of the summer. Keep on your toes. Baggott?

Tom Baggott: Consolidation Conference is in the pipe, five by five. All systems normal and on schedule for Go. I'll need to coordinate with Beta Sector and a few of our agents at DORFOST (Department Of Recruitment For Out-of-State Talent). We have everyone in the right frame of mind. One hitch. We might need to import some bands. We might have to use non-Order acts.

Smith: Non-Order bands have me worried. We don't control them. Bring in some acts we have already bribed with gigs, then . . . No, forget that. Let the word go forth to the Division of Recruitment. Only the bands within our clutches will have access.

Unnamed (unrecognizable): Excuse me sir. We've been having some trouble with a few of the bands here in town.

Smith: Well, what is it Agent Omega?

Voice: They won't play ball.

Smith: Take care of it. If I can't have my enemies close to me where they can be watched, I want them out of sight forever. Look at Lemcke. The weak fool folded right away when I showed him what riches could be made in obeisance to The Order. So too have all who have been associated and proclaimed loyalty with The Order.

We have taken careful steps to maintain the illusion of debt. Meanwhile, Pisces division is making millions for us. We have the largest bankroll of anybody in the state. Oh, the opulence and power waiting for any band that will sell their soul to me!! 

We must be rid of these pesky independents. They have been a headache for far too long and have cut in on our action for the last time.

Voice: Sir?

Smith: Eliminate them!

Voice: Yes sir. It'll be my pleasure . . .

Smith: Our great battle with local commercial radio was a well choreographed victory for all sides. The public, the sheep, they never noticed. The media as controlled did their job. Our final battle with radio has been won. They get to appear as supporters of local music and get to enjoy the fabulous wealth their songs generate. We get airplay in Canada, which is our next conquest. 

Even if my own band was sacrificed. It's an affront to my position, I know. But I am magnanimous and no more blood will be spilled today. I get airplay elsewhere. It is of no significance to me . . . since I control the playlist now! 

Besides I have loyal operatives on the inside. As I do everywhere. Always remember that! All of you!!!!

Anything else on the agenda for this meeting?

You all know your duty, failure to follow the will of The Order is punishable . . . by death.!!!!

The clubs, the studios, the record stores, it's all subject to Order control. We have done well. All the chess pieces are in place for The Final Strike!!! It is only a matter of time.

If that is all . . . my helicopter is waiting to take me to a gig so...

Meeting Adjourned.

(Strikes of gavel)

(The rustle of people gathering things to leave)

First the oath!

All in Unison: All Hail The Benevolent Order! Grace Us With The Riches Of Your Knowledge So That We May Serve and Prosper . . .

Tape ends.

Shocking isn't it? You never knew. Well, you must have had suspicions . . . ~GC~

Steve Lemcke is the local music columnist for the Burlington Free Press. His "Scene and Heard" column appears every Thursday.